Emtpier still..

My vision begins to blur, The glass sky, the color of the wind, The merry-go-round playing alone, I wave, My somehow faded voice is more important to me than my guilty conscience, Tomorrow i sleep, leaving myself behind, Emptier still than any tears of comedy, Left to be just taken, Left to be just damaged, Here...
In the dark morning, i pretend the window to be a picture frame, I wake my sleeping skin and press my hand against this wet piece of picture, Spring blossoms and the petals fall, giving life to the river, Swaying from side to side, where will you go?I put my hand on the heavy and closed door, The remains of the parade, The silence laughs along with the fact that i won't be sleeping again tonight,
Emptier still than any tears of comedy, Left to be just taken, Left to be just damaged, Here, let there be love... The jokingly-dancing seasons endlessly hurt, Left to be just taken, Left to be just damaged, And to be melted by the dreams i hold out,
I bleed as my way of compensating everything to you, How heavy is blood?Happiness and sadness lie too close, The hand that will be born tomorrow, will be simply pure and nothing else, I can barely see you now with all these tears,
Emptier still than any tears of comedy, Left to be just taken, Left to be just damaged, Here, let there be love... There is a ferris wheel, where i can look down and see you from, The melody that just comes crumbling down is also so sweet and beautiful, it's frightening, The shadow exposed by the sun is branded into my memory, And it touches my heart more than any shallow words combined.

i heard once that the Japanese translation (not official) and official translation of Glass Skin are different. Well i was some emo kids youtube channel, planning on laughing at it since he was all 'yeah, kyo cuts. so do i.' i say emo not cuz he cuts, but because his name was "emoguy1993" me:hahaha loser. so anyway, these lyrics where on his page and i didnt know what song there from, then i googled a peice of it and it came up as Glass Skin. i am in utter shock. i can hardly even think. these lyrics...kyo has written his fair share of powerful lyrics (ha. like all.) but these really....there is nothing in these lyrics i can say "yeah. thats how i feel." because these lyrics are not telling whats going on in his head..its whats going on physically..and its beautiful. they capture the setting and the atmosphere..in his mind perfectly. its just so perfect. maybe i am in awe because i write and i admire things like this. but i didnt know kyo was capable of this. not that i ever thought he was not a genius, because i always knew that its just...this is+ like another step up for kyo that i didnt even know existed. this is not a poem, like the others. this is a story. and wow. iv never ever had a favorite Dir en grey lyrics because so many of them are beautiful or sickening and passionate and powerful..no matter how twisted. but this...i think this is my favorite. i have no words. the only thing in this song i can say "i relate to" is "the silence laughs along with the fact that i wont be sleeping again tonight." i get that. but thats it. oh my god. whats anyone else's take on the not official translation of Glass Skin? who think they shouldnt have changed it? i dont know why he did....this is beautiful.

"iv listened to Dir en grey longer than yooouuuuu!!!"

does it matter? honestly. who cares. just because you'v known about them longer doesnt make you a bigger or better fan. it also most certainly does not make you a loyal fan. actaully, the fans i meet (online)...the longer they say they'v known them, the more "old diru" savvy they are. the newer fans (2-3 years maybe..), the more open minded they are about the style, weather it be visual, punk or ..now. im not saying one fan is better than another but...you old fans just remind me of old men and women who are like "i just dont like the way things are these days! in MY day..." thats what its like. it is so annoying. now, i wish i did know them longer than i have (about a year, maybe less) but that doesnt mean that i dont know as much about them as the next person. and its not even about that. its about love, not knowledge. im sure there are old fans who love them now, and im sure their are new fans who hate their current style. buy i hate when people call themselves fans and then go and bash about their current style, in music or looks.
on a happier note, i had a dream Kyo hugged me last night. he also had this black and purple visor (yeah like old women hats) and i put it on, staired at it for a while..then took it off. but their was this small table between us and i asked for a hug, and he gave it to me =) it was a really long hug too^^ but i would have been just as happy even with a little hug. im kind of getting depressed over these dreams. its so aweful having him for just a few moments then waking up and realizing it wasnt even true. i hate it. i dont know if i would rather only get to be with him for a little while in my dreams and have to wake up and deal with it, or not have them at all. even though my Kyo dreams are rare (i mostly dream about shinya, and he's been really mad at me the last few dreams..)..it still hurts. i dont know, its just when i wake up it makes everything seem like its not worth being here. maybe its because im having bad day..idk. ja~

dream 1 million

in this dream..im like in freaking montana or something and im at this...old peoples place (not that Kyo is old. ill explain!) and i see this plaque that says like Hakyu (meaning the person in that room, thats thier name..) and im like Oh! so then i think 'if they have one japanese person here..maybe they'll have another ;)' (dont ask, this is a dream remember..) so i ask the little nurse lady and im like "is their someone hear called Nishimura?" and she nods and says he in here *leads my to a mega room* and in the back, Kyo. and for some reason i was holding this pot/pan lid and i HANDED IT TO HIM! I FREAKING HANDED IT TO HIM! LIKE, IDIOT!! but it was his,,so strange. anyway he smiled and sat it beside him. i was expecting myself to collasoe any minute, but i didnt. i said something to him. i forget. and then i was like "why are you here?" he said "its peaceful, for when im not working" and im like "oh *nods*" and then i ask "do many fans find that your here?" kyo~> "just a couple. *smile*" and then...well i forget for a little bit but i do rememeber his shirt was off *swoon* and you could see the scars on his chest *ahh swoon again* and then, well i dont know. sometihng happened but it was too amazing that i dont want to right it on here. i want to keep it locked i my heart! so no one can have it! i want to keep it a secret, so its always mine and clean. ugh. i act like its real. oh but it felt so real! but, while this *secret* was happening, i was thinking '...does he do this with all his fans whole scome see him?' but..it didnt matter. and i was so close! i touched him! his face! oh my god, like obviously. okay, im going to tell you. but im only writing it here so i never forget it! *psht, like i ever would* okay..no im not. but his face.....it was...right there ::blush:: AH! the best dream ever and i still....taste...on my lips..can feel it.....erm....JA! (ooooohhh!!! im not sure i ever want real Kyo to read this anymore!! ah! he's hate me! he'll think im just some obsessed fan! ahhh!!! im NOT like those people he sings about in R To The Core! i wont abandon when they change or when osmething happens! gah! i hope he never hates me! ~~like he'll ever know who i am...i shouldnt flatter myself.) so...ahhhh the best dream....that didnt feel like a dream. IT WAS REAL!! JA NE~~

Bottom of Death Valley

first, i dreampt (?) of Shinya-sama again last night, it was OOC so i didnt mourn to much when i woke. Well, i did wine and try to convince myslf just 5 more minutes of sleep wouldnt hurt but, i didnt wine about my Shin-chan leaving. because, well, he wasnt himself in personality. although, i did have ANOTHER Dir en grey dream last night, it was very very very cute! it was like...wow adorable! it was in a scary house and bad things were happening but have you read a fanfic from when Dir en grey was still VK or at least one thats a few years old? youll notice kyo's character is always like hyper or sleepy and stuff. thats how he was in my dream. kawaii. (sorry kyo)

BOTTOM OF DEATH VALLEY
I've packed up everything I loved in the trunk ofthe car over there putting in the key, I'm goingfor a last drive from the cliff I'll be free...My Sister, Obscene Sister fucked toyed withdrowned My Sister, Lustful Sister if you noticethe white ocean floor My Sister, Mother Is Sistermother loved the white ocean My Sister, Drug Addiction (RI Will Go To The Heaven Playing The Suicide I Will Go To The HellI've left behind everything I loved through thedoor of hope that's down there with my right handI catch hold of hands that won't stop trembling soI won't notice the tears she hides from menow my child and I are packed in together sleepingdown there in the trunk of the car

shinya

another dream. i know i ususally only write on here when i dream about them. i actually have another poem im going to post sometime. but whatever. this is more important. i was in this giant audatoriam thingy and Dir en grey, along with some other band were on the stage. no playing music btw, very strange. Die wasnt there. Kyo was back stage. so they let people come up and meet them 'n stuff and i saw Kaoru first. his hair was about shoulder length and black and purple. just like it used to be. i promise, i didnt go back im time in this dream its just..i dont know what was going on but they all were dress...visual. except kyo. well really, do you guys remember what shinya wore in the Child Prey video when he was on the drums, the black cloak and hoad thingy? yeah well thats what they were all wearing! strange, anyhow yeah so i saw Kaoru first he was happy and saying hi and talking and stuff, he gave me a hug ^^ and then i met Toshiya (remember the bat wings things coming out of his head in Garden PV? yeah..) and he seemed really tired so..um...i just gave his a hug and said i love you. haha, and then i was like "ooo weres Shinya?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! I HAVE TO MEET SHINYA!!" and then i saw him. long redish purplish hair. i walked up to him (i was wearing my gothic lolita shoes= high high heels!) and i almost feel twice! and he kinda laughed but not in a big way and then i give him a hug. and dammit he said something to me but i cant remember! then i said "i thought you didnt wear heels anymore" and dammit i forget what he sais again! but it was like "sometimes.." and then HE GAVE ME A HUG! and then he asked me to go sit down with him so i was like yay yay yay! and we were sittin' 'n talking...though i dont really remember about what. but i was all (in my head) 'i am the true successor of Shinya! i could be shinya!' cuz...idk why, sometimes i remind myself of him but..i was getting carried away. oh well, then i dont freaking know why! but my etartd dream self GOT UP. AND LEFT. wwhhhaaaaaa???? im so mad at myself! anyway so, best dream ever! im so growing my hair ALL the way out now and dyeing it....im not sure yet. but! it'll be shinya-like <3 then i started to have another stupid dream about my grandmaws house catching on fire and my brother and sister being in it. but, they didnt die so cares about that. right? yeah! so, visual kei Dir en grey NOW?! it was strange, i was just wee bit confused but..ehh...theyd do it for the fans eh? i love them no matter what <333

got new hot kyo pics on my phone <3

i had a dream the other night, i was to meet kyo, he shook my hand, but he didnt let go! it was amazing! it was so real! amazing! i had a another dream, with just shinya in it, i remember it was weird. he was just sitting there, looking THROUGH a picture frame, it was infront of him, it was like he was supposed to be the beautiful person in the picture but he was really sad and he he kept moving and almost cried. weird. it may have something to do with the story im working on. shinya is in it and it soo freaking sad! that might be why i saw him crying in my dreams. nothing amazing, uhh i think Kyo's voice is better now, actually i know it is ^^ im about to to Dir en grey website so i can check tours again^^ i WAS stalking their website and myspace's, but i havnt been doing much latley. but i reallt want to see if theyv got new tour dates up (hoping for america!), iv also been thinking "hmm, when will they have a new single?" because you know, this is very exciting for me becuase i wasnt big fan befor UROBOROS came out so i never had luxury to be there when a new single came out. not that i only like uororboros. no no way! it just happened to be after UROBOROS cam out that i really got into them! it doesnt seem like a long time, but i love them and their my life <333 sayonara~

everynight

rather, every saturday. when i come to lesleys house, i have to squeeze in enough Dir en grey songs and clips and fanvideos' to get me through the week. my computer doesnt have sound. i dont know why. it is a stupid comuter. also, i have to listen to as many X Japan or hide songs as i can to actually say im a fan and not be fake (i hate fake fans, just like the band or person for the hype or populatrity, i however really want to know why people love hen so much). i am a fan of X Japan. i just a new fan and i started with reading about hide's life, and what atracted (?) was the death, how people can love him that much. i want to know why and i want to love him too! i already explained this. so far Tears made me cry and the begining of Endless Rain "im walking in the rain" ..toshi was speakin english right? i think so, thats whats i heard..i will feel stupid if i find out he wasnt and im just bad hearing. i will blame my awful habit of mixing up japanese and english. kyo. you, kyo. i blame you. i blame you and your songs that have "english version" and "japanese version". hehe, oh! i watched PVor mazohyst of decadence (i love that word..decadence... sounds like decay-dance)....i didnt like it, the first Dir en grey video iv seen and not liked. it made me sick. i dont know why. they have blood and nasty things like 85% of the video's but this....i dont know...obscure is about abortion too and it didnt make me sick (more like kiss kyo..even with that stuff coming out of his mouth)..i dont know...i have to go now. bai. i love you Dir en grey and all authors of good fanfics =)

hide

lately, i dont know why but iv been pre-occupied with hide. as in X Japan and that drama and goodness. it suck that i was like 3 at the time of his death. i wish that i could have experienced the whole thing, his career, his fame, his influence, his hilarity, his cuteness, his death..everything. i often wish the same thing about Dir en grey, that i wouldv known them earlier and was older. its 2009 and im 13. when i first got into JRock, Dir en grey's Child Prey PV was the very first thing i saw. and it didnt grow from there for like 3 months. i just kept watching child prey and smile (fanvideo), eventualy i really wanted to get to know them more. Well i did and as soon as i enterd the realm of jrock, i can tell you the first thing i learnt was that X Japan was suppovedly the best band, they were the begining and that hide was dead-therfor the music died. and then came Diru and D'spairs and stuff. So knowing the band was disbanded and the greatist guistarist to date had died, it didnt hold much interst. i didnt grow up in japan. unfortunatly, i live in america. if i lived there, im sure my initial opoions concerning hide would be 10000 times different. but, they wernt and only recently did i look up hide and his death. thats what got me. his death. the reaction of japan, of......it amazed me. how everyone was blown apart by his death. how people were in the streets when the car that had his body in and everyne was yelling "SAYONARA! HIDE! SAYONARA!!" and people fainted. the passion...oh my god. i was speachless and 3 copycat suicides! 3! thats...amazing. i mentioned it to my mom and she said "people are crazy." me: *shocked*"no their not! thats comitment!" i ment thats love. you american reading this might think im crazy, but i bet some crazed girl in japan will read this and know what i mean. so after reading the death, i tried to find things about his life. i read a very short by Yoshiki and his memories of hide. im quickly becoming a fan but i wish i could have been born earlier..and in japan. why america? but anyway, i just wanted to update you on my growing passion for hide. (im very proud that as i read over this i used nice words and none of this looks like broken english. i tried hard. bai bai and rest in peaces, beloved hide.)

Kyo is SICK again :'(

i can tell you that i am stupid, ignorant, blind, dumb, sad and worst of all A BAD FAN!! today is april 12 in united states..well..america. it would be 13th in japan...so..the sixth..minus..4.7? YES. 7 days ago, Kyo was singing a solo at a concert and guess what? he could hardly do it. because oh my god, he is sick again with the same thing he had in 2006. Chorditis (?) and somthing that stars with an E that i keep forgetting. short: emflamed vocal cords. hence: Kyo cant sing right now. first, i kept seeing all these "i hope your better soon, Kyo!" comments on his myspace and i, ofcourse freaked out but everytime i tried to look up kyo being sick it would come up as acute acoustic trauma ((which he had back in '01)) and that was frustrating becuase..that was like 8 years ago. i mean NOW! anyway, i founf a knot army myspace and added them and asked if Kyo-sama is sick. they say yes and sent me the link to their blog about it. well, i was on my hpone so i couldnt follow the link so~ with panicing tears in my eyes i ran downstairs to the computer as fast as i could. and yes, i cried. but i am ashamed to say that even though i am very very terrified that he is sick~ a small part of me was enjoying the panicy-ness of it. because you know why? i am 13 so i havnt know DIRU for more than a year, so i never got to exprerience what it was like to be here when Kyo is sick of or somthing happens that is big. i always read about it. but never get to expierience it, well now, i have. (pfft, 7 days later..)hmph, now i feel like Dir en grey is still alive. what am i saying? im crazy, i must be. but i think he is preforming today, oh man, i told him that if he does not feel up to it he shouldnt sing and well will love him no matter what so please take your time. i hope he listens. all fans said that to him. in the show where his voice messed up bad, he said "will you still love me even with this voice? please love me even with this voice." aww, i cried again. thats so sweet. oh yeah, DIRU dream number 5. this one was just Kyo. and they secretly disbanded but them where talking about getting back together (in my dream). i think i dream that because befor i went to sleep last night i was reading stuff about hide and was almost crying when i shut my eyes for sleep becuase i was thinking about when he died and how it was like this big deal and all the fans went....manic. so, yeah my Dir en grey dream was hide inspired. weird.....hmm...i will go now. sorry for the long post, just alot on my mind concering Kyo and hide. but mostly Kyo right now. i love you, sweetie and i hope you feel better soon. take care of yourself <333

tokidoki

sometimes i go days without looking up anything about Dir en grey. Iv been almost all wek and havnt looked up a single thing (looking at their myspace and Kyos myspace doesnt count!! oh! and neigther do pictures!!) about them. this will count crazy to you, but i do it on purpose. (oh, and listening to Dir en grey CD's doesnt count eigther 0.o) you know why? because i get so excited everytime they are even mentioned i feel like my heart will explode. and im not exagerating. it is so overwhelming sometimes. i love it. but, it sort of scares me that i should be so...passionate that it almost hurts. i dont know. oh yeah, Dir en grey also has this way of making me really depressed. i wish i was them, or one of them. yeah, that makes more sence. and fanfic's to me are like handing a gun to a suicidal person. i need help. but i shant get it!! because i love this screwed up, fake, out-of-reach, fangirl-ish world that i live in! i should name this world something...hmm...well since i named this title tokidoki (incase you do not know, i mean that same as "sometime" in japanese.) i will name it TokiDoki. heehee, toki....my name is Tokki. i never told you incase someone i know see's this and finds out how insane i am. soo...sshhhhh!!!!

number 4

last night marks Dir en grey dream 4. This one only had Kyo in it. It was okay though, he seemed a bit moody, like he didnt want to be there. Im not sure where we were. I think it was a school in New York. strange right? Why would Kyo be in school? Anyway, he was. Everyone secretly thought he was cool. He sat right beside me. We wernt in an actual class room though. Anyway, I do hope these dreams continue. I hope Kyo isnt having such a foul day today as he was in my dream. haha, i hope him the best ^.^

good dreams^^

i want to rite while the images and words exchanged are still fresh in my mind. last night i met Dir en grey. in my dreams. it was so real. there was nothing "dream like" about it. nothing far-fetched happened. nothing wierd. except they all spoke perfect english, save Die-he had an amazing accent. thusrday night i had a drream that i won this thing and met Shinya and Die and i got to talk to them and then i was going to get to go out to dinner with Die, but then i woke up. i remebered it perfectly. Friday night i didnt dream, not that i can recall. Saturday night i dreamed that i met Kyo. this one was WAY far-fetched, the whole dream was willy wonka and the chocolate factory themed. so freaking weird. but kyo touched me, so i will not complain about that one. But last night, Sunday night, i drempt about them all. Especially Die, Kyo and Shinya. I saw a bit of Kaoru and Toshiya but they where doing something els. I usually only remembers nightmares. I wonder if i can live in my dreams? this is the first thing i did when i woke up. i dont like writing dreams down because i can never describe them good enough, then its like what ever i didnt write write down get tossed out of the window and i forget. so, have a good day =))

my hara toshimasa

As you most likely know, tosay is Totchi's birthday. I dont have much time to really post anything because im not aloud to be online school days and they left for a minute, so ill make it quick.

IM BAKING CUPCAKES FOR TOSHIYA TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU, TOTCHI!!
i thought about you all day^^
and i found a possible reason as to why the 2 male only concerts-possibly seeing how many fans they have minus fangirls?
yeah, i found that comment on bleeding-idol.net oh i love that website, oh and livejournal!
find me on LJ!
my username is kyoandsakura its relitivly knew and iv only got chapter one of my fanfic The FINAL kiss. but read it okay?
BYE!! (i love you more verey minute, totchi!!)

fandom

pinkucellphone is my favorite fan thingy on LJ! im not even kidding, i just had to drag myself self away from that page and all thebeautiful fanfics. CATERIS and RHEAKUROKAWA are beatiful writers. RHEAKUROKAWA is my favorite though. she wrote the saddest one about Die. oh my goodness. it made my heart break into pieces, then i read more, and more..and more..the stories are so good!! i remember...when i first became a fan of Dir en grey, oh those days of innocence and meaninglessness haha, i decided to look up kyoxshinya fanfic on google, i found this one story by nekoempress that tears me up wiht jelousy and saddnedd everytime. actually, i lied just now. the forst story was kyoxwaru. i havnt read it since that first time and i tried just now to read it again, but the account has been delted and the author got a different account and wont post the story up..i guess becuase and someone she was writing the story with got into a fight or something. i dont know. but i really miss that story. its 3:08am and i should probably sneak upstairs and try to sleep,,but ya know..i think im just gona keep reading beautiful fanfics untill my heart explodes. i suggest trying to find the one about Die that i mentioned. its by RHEAKUROKAWA-the community its in is pinkucellphone (but nothng will comeup if if you type that, just type any randon DIRU pairing and i garuntee pinkucellphone will be the top of the list) and the story is called In Expectatio. best of luck on not crying.

ohayou gozaimasu!!

okay, sorry for those. this blog wont actually be stupid...things that i wrote while depressed over something. somthing called Kyo!! anywaaayyy, Dir en grey. yeah-my life! i sure hope they come to america soon or im gona rot here! jeez i been on here all night. this happens like evrytime i come to lesleys. jeez. better stop. sooo remeber "neeva sei gubai!"-die-sama lol OR if you wuna be like Die you could say "im a fucking lobster! bitch?" DIE WA KAWAII NO EIGO HANASU!!!!!! i dont even know if thats right..i dont really feel like thinking about it. kanji is lost with me. so, dont even try. soooo---now that its clear in my head that i havnt brushed up on my jpanese in a while..im gona go find some way to study (benkyo! woo i rememberd!!) it.....
I FUCKING LOVE YOU, DIR EN GREY!!!!

good morning again

why the sudden crave for confusion? saddness, but not uncertainty. iv gone wrong in the head. always reaching out for more. grasping empty air. stumbling into the cradle. if i tried once i can escape it. when you close your eyes, does the room still have colors?
softly closing my eyes the tears came, humming your song~making you close be. relive the smiles in your brain befor a last choke of caught breath. suicide set for soon. we walk in the earth without meaning. when all breaks and you go. will i stand with a crumbled heart in my hands? tears dry. glittery mirrors wont be the last thing you see. for the voice that shows lingering pain a way out. i wont let you go.

(from..yesterday? wow, it feels like longer...alot longer...)

good morning, all

why do i only feel alive when hurt inside?
looking through the stained glass-i want you clearly.
for its clear the harsh pain that will sit and wonder.
distorting emotions, you cant shape how you feel.

wish for tears that used to come from a
high pitched voice,
the smile is so forgein on your face. it clashes your eyes.
but it cant be found now.
you and the lost.
its slipping through my fingers.

If i stop breathing-will i still be able to hear you?
"never take these together" like too many pills.
tonight ill breathe the last- and listen


(from earlier this weak)