everynight

rather, every saturday. when i come to lesleys house, i have to squeeze in enough Dir en grey songs and clips and fanvideos' to get me through the week. my computer doesnt have sound. i dont know why. it is a stupid comuter. also, i have to listen to as many X Japan or hide songs as i can to actually say im a fan and not be fake (i hate fake fans, just like the band or person for the hype or populatrity, i however really want to know why people love hen so much). i am a fan of X Japan. i just a new fan and i started with reading about hide's life, and what atracted (?) was the death, how people can love him that much. i want to know why and i want to love him too! i already explained this. so far Tears made me cry and the begining of Endless Rain "im walking in the rain" ..toshi was speakin english right? i think so, thats whats i heard..i will feel stupid if i find out he wasnt and im just bad hearing. i will blame my awful habit of mixing up japanese and english. kyo. you, kyo. i blame you. i blame you and your songs that have "english version" and "japanese version". hehe, oh! i watched PVor mazohyst of decadence (i love that word..decadence... sounds like decay-dance)....i didnt like it, the first Dir en grey video iv seen and not liked. it made me sick. i dont know why. they have blood and nasty things like 85% of the video's but this....i dont know...obscure is about abortion too and it didnt make me sick (more like kiss kyo..even with that stuff coming out of his mouth)..i dont know...i have to go now. bai. i love you Dir en grey and all authors of good fanfics =)

hide

lately, i dont know why but iv been pre-occupied with hide. as in X Japan and that drama and goodness. it suck that i was like 3 at the time of his death. i wish that i could have experienced the whole thing, his career, his fame, his influence, his hilarity, his cuteness, his death..everything. i often wish the same thing about Dir en grey, that i wouldv known them earlier and was older. its 2009 and im 13. when i first got into JRock, Dir en grey's Child Prey PV was the very first thing i saw. and it didnt grow from there for like 3 months. i just kept watching child prey and smile (fanvideo), eventualy i really wanted to get to know them more. Well i did and as soon as i enterd the realm of jrock, i can tell you the first thing i learnt was that X Japan was suppovedly the best band, they were the begining and that hide was dead-therfor the music died. and then came Diru and D'spairs and stuff. So knowing the band was disbanded and the greatist guistarist to date had died, it didnt hold much interst. i didnt grow up in japan. unfortunatly, i live in america. if i lived there, im sure my initial opoions concerning hide would be 10000 times different. but, they wernt and only recently did i look up hide and his death. thats what got me. his death. the reaction of japan, of......it amazed me. how everyone was blown apart by his death. how people were in the streets when the car that had his body in and everyne was yelling "SAYONARA! HIDE! SAYONARA!!" and people fainted. the passion...oh my god. i was speachless and 3 copycat suicides! 3! thats...amazing. i mentioned it to my mom and she said "people are crazy." me: *shocked*"no their not! thats comitment!" i ment thats love. you american reading this might think im crazy, but i bet some crazed girl in japan will read this and know what i mean. so after reading the death, i tried to find things about his life. i read a very short by Yoshiki and his memories of hide. im quickly becoming a fan but i wish i could have been born earlier..and in japan. why america? but anyway, i just wanted to update you on my growing passion for hide. (im very proud that as i read over this i used nice words and none of this looks like broken english. i tried hard. bai bai and rest in peaces, beloved hide.)

Kyo is SICK again :'(

i can tell you that i am stupid, ignorant, blind, dumb, sad and worst of all A BAD FAN!! today is april 12 in united states..well..america. it would be 13th in japan...so..the sixth..minus..4.7? YES. 7 days ago, Kyo was singing a solo at a concert and guess what? he could hardly do it. because oh my god, he is sick again with the same thing he had in 2006. Chorditis (?) and somthing that stars with an E that i keep forgetting. short: emflamed vocal cords. hence: Kyo cant sing right now. first, i kept seeing all these "i hope your better soon, Kyo!" comments on his myspace and i, ofcourse freaked out but everytime i tried to look up kyo being sick it would come up as acute acoustic trauma ((which he had back in '01)) and that was frustrating becuase..that was like 8 years ago. i mean NOW! anyway, i founf a knot army myspace and added them and asked if Kyo-sama is sick. they say yes and sent me the link to their blog about it. well, i was on my hpone so i couldnt follow the link so~ with panicing tears in my eyes i ran downstairs to the computer as fast as i could. and yes, i cried. but i am ashamed to say that even though i am very very terrified that he is sick~ a small part of me was enjoying the panicy-ness of it. because you know why? i am 13 so i havnt know DIRU for more than a year, so i never got to exprerience what it was like to be here when Kyo is sick of or somthing happens that is big. i always read about it. but never get to expierience it, well now, i have. (pfft, 7 days later..)hmph, now i feel like Dir en grey is still alive. what am i saying? im crazy, i must be. but i think he is preforming today, oh man, i told him that if he does not feel up to it he shouldnt sing and well will love him no matter what so please take your time. i hope he listens. all fans said that to him. in the show where his voice messed up bad, he said "will you still love me even with this voice? please love me even with this voice." aww, i cried again. thats so sweet. oh yeah, DIRU dream number 5. this one was just Kyo. and they secretly disbanded but them where talking about getting back together (in my dream). i think i dream that because befor i went to sleep last night i was reading stuff about hide and was almost crying when i shut my eyes for sleep becuase i was thinking about when he died and how it was like this big deal and all the fans went....manic. so, yeah my Dir en grey dream was hide inspired. weird.....hmm...i will go now. sorry for the long post, just alot on my mind concering Kyo and hide. but mostly Kyo right now. i love you, sweetie and i hope you feel better soon. take care of yourself <333

tokidoki

sometimes i go days without looking up anything about Dir en grey. Iv been almost all wek and havnt looked up a single thing (looking at their myspace and Kyos myspace doesnt count!! oh! and neigther do pictures!!) about them. this will count crazy to you, but i do it on purpose. (oh, and listening to Dir en grey CD's doesnt count eigther 0.o) you know why? because i get so excited everytime they are even mentioned i feel like my heart will explode. and im not exagerating. it is so overwhelming sometimes. i love it. but, it sort of scares me that i should be so...passionate that it almost hurts. i dont know. oh yeah, Dir en grey also has this way of making me really depressed. i wish i was them, or one of them. yeah, that makes more sence. and fanfic's to me are like handing a gun to a suicidal person. i need help. but i shant get it!! because i love this screwed up, fake, out-of-reach, fangirl-ish world that i live in! i should name this world something...hmm...well since i named this title tokidoki (incase you do not know, i mean that same as "sometime" in japanese.) i will name it TokiDoki. heehee, toki....my name is Tokki. i never told you incase someone i know see's this and finds out how insane i am. soo...sshhhhh!!!!

number 4

last night marks Dir en grey dream 4. This one only had Kyo in it. It was okay though, he seemed a bit moody, like he didnt want to be there. Im not sure where we were. I think it was a school in New York. strange right? Why would Kyo be in school? Anyway, he was. Everyone secretly thought he was cool. He sat right beside me. We wernt in an actual class room though. Anyway, I do hope these dreams continue. I hope Kyo isnt having such a foul day today as he was in my dream. haha, i hope him the best ^.^

good dreams^^

i want to rite while the images and words exchanged are still fresh in my mind. last night i met Dir en grey. in my dreams. it was so real. there was nothing "dream like" about it. nothing far-fetched happened. nothing wierd. except they all spoke perfect english, save Die-he had an amazing accent. thusrday night i had a drream that i won this thing and met Shinya and Die and i got to talk to them and then i was going to get to go out to dinner with Die, but then i woke up. i remebered it perfectly. Friday night i didnt dream, not that i can recall. Saturday night i dreamed that i met Kyo. this one was WAY far-fetched, the whole dream was willy wonka and the chocolate factory themed. so freaking weird. but kyo touched me, so i will not complain about that one. But last night, Sunday night, i drempt about them all. Especially Die, Kyo and Shinya. I saw a bit of Kaoru and Toshiya but they where doing something els. I usually only remembers nightmares. I wonder if i can live in my dreams? this is the first thing i did when i woke up. i dont like writing dreams down because i can never describe them good enough, then its like what ever i didnt write write down get tossed out of the window and i forget. so, have a good day =))